


Horrid Hearts

by Ghost_Elf99



Category: Original Work
Genre: Absent Parents, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Attempted Murder, Bisexual Character, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexuality, Blood and Gore, Character Death, Closeted Character, Closeted Trans Character, Death, Drama & Romance, FTM, Ghosts, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Character of Color, LGBTQ Themes, Multi, Murder, Parent Death, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Rape/Non-con Elements, Schizophrenia, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Trans Character, partner death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2019-10-13 11:01:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17486909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghost_Elf99/pseuds/Ghost_Elf99
Summary: Life is rough. It is mean. It is cruel and often leaves you wishing you could just end it all.Michael's brother died a year ago and was also the only person who supported him in his sexuality.Hally isn't a girl, no matter how many people tell him that. He just wants to be accepted.Alina has lost her way, lost it years ago, but the blood on her hands and unremoveable figments form the past might make it impossible to find it.Jennifer never had it easy, ever. It isn't her fault that things didn't work out.Tristan has tried to live his life halfway normal, but it's hard when your mom's dead, and voices like to tell you that it's your fault.Kelsey just wants to live comfortably, but having a boyfriend that is constantly trying to pressure you into sex you don't want, and a girl who wants you as well. It makes things complicated.Jacob is tired. Tired of living, tired of being in the shadow of his siblings, tired of all the bullshit he is pulled into. He's just tired.Their lives are at fault, but has fixing them come too late.





	1. Chapter 1-Micheal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, we meet Micheal, discover his problems, and meet a friend that is hiding something and wants to help.

The room is stuffy, as if the air turned into syrup; getting stuck in my mouth, and my throat. My lungs turned into syrupy, sappy prison, that makes breathing almost impossible. Each inhale a sucked in battle of will.  Each exhale a moment of relief before the battle begins again. I seem to inexperienced in this battle for my own breath, since everyone else seems to be fine, or at least holding out better; to say that everyone is doing fine would be a lie. 

Everyone seems to be distracted. Studying being the last thing that anyone is here for, despite being the reason we meet here. I lock eyes with the boy sitting across the table from me. He gives me a sad smile, and then break my eyes. I used to be friends with that boy; now we don’t talk. He seems to be more focused on the hand that is gripping his arm. That arm belongs to girl, who hates me. Though the feeling is mutual. 

The grip on his arm is so strong; I’m surprised his arm doesn’t snap. I suppose he is used to it by now. Why does he stay with her? She doesn’t love him. In some more righteous minds, I guess that would make me a hypocrite. However, I have reasons, and Tristan does not. It’s simple. Therefore, I’m allowed to stay in my loveless relationship.

The air becomes more solid, if that’s even possible. The air starting to win the battle of the inhales. The exhales becoming pitiful shouts of surrender. Despite the lack of air in my body, a tornado is making its’ round in my head. Thoughts that blow pass, leaving as soon as they came. All the while a symphony of rain and thunder pounds one thought to the forefront. I can’t breathe. I can't breathe. I can’t fucking breathe.

The room is gone, all replaced by a swirl of colors that no longer make sense. Something lands on my shoulder. That something is a hand. It’s Hally’s hand.

“Are you alright?” She whispers to me, her hand still on my shoulder.

I don’t reply. I give her no answer. The pitch black eyes look at mine, so dark it seems she has no iris, only a large pupil. It looks like a dark blot of ink on a piece of white paper. 

She is kind, bolder than most. It helps to focus on one thing when the storm of my mind is raging. She cares for me too much. I wouldn’t mind playing pretend with her, but she deserves more than that. She’s allowed to have more than that. Either way, she doesn’t know, and I don’t want her to know. 

I look beyond her for only a moment to catch the eye of another. Her eyes hold no kindness, unlike Hally's. Her eyes are so pale it could be white. A small little speck of ink on a paper. They look like the opposite side of each other. Hally and Alina, yin and yang. 

I play pretend with her. That game I hated, but was necessary. 

The room is still stifling, my breathing is slightly easier, but still is a losing battle. The constant pounding of one final  is starting again; pounding only one thought. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I can’t fucking breathe. 

However, a new course begins. Help me. Help me. Someone fucking help me. I can’t breathe. Help me.

My body reacts faster than my mind. Before I can even register what is real and what is not, I’m running out the door. Probably making quite a commotion in the too quiet room filled with syrupy air. 

The hall I’m running down is only a blur in the corner of my eye, as a choir takes a hold of my mind with one message: out. Out. Out. Out. Out.

Suddenly, I bang into door. The impact knocking me onto my back. Fuck my life. Fuck everything for that matter. 

Lifting my body off the ground I look around for no reason. Maybe, I was seeing if anyone saw me, but no one would. This hall is empty this time of day. The only reason I was looking around was that it felt better to do that, than be paranoid that I didn’t.

Now I open the door by using the door knob. Not body slamming into it. Which I learned wasn’t very efficient.

The air outside isn’t syrupy as the air in the room was, but my breathing is still labored. As if the air had made my lungs a prison of sticky syrup. I wanted freedom from the hell-hole of my head.  

        However, My brain is swamped. As if it was a room full of papers that was flooded. In some strange way it was, if you think about it.  I don’t even know who I am anymore. I guess I should be used to it by now. I haven’t been myself for a long time now. I feel like I’m going to throw up. The world is still a spinning abundance of color that differentiate. I thought the fresh air would help. It’s not. 

The air only giving my mind the clarity to give me more complete thoughts. The thoughts that leech your soul, and never let go. That is the thoughts that this air brings. The one in the room bring panic, but this only brings hurt. 

You’re a monster. You don’t deserve to live. Why not go die? Your brother did. He left you. He left you because who would want to stay with you. You’re going to hell. That’s where you belong. That’s where people like you belong. You are a failure. No one cares for you. Hally only feels pity for you. You know, because that’s what you are, pitiful. You are a pitiful creature.You don’t even have the right to call yourself human. Everyone would be better off without you. Everyone loved Matt. No one loves you. It’s your fault. You did it. Little Michael, too concerned with himself to care.

Stop. Stop. Stop. I just want everything to stop. I wasn’t my fault. I promise I didn’t mean too. I promise. I promise.  

“Michael, you okay?”, I hear a familiar voice behind me. I take a deep breath preparing myself those ink blotted eyes I’ve grown so accustomed to.

“I’m fine, Hally.” My palms are sweaty, my eyes are glassy,and my face is as red and blotchy as can be, but she doesn’t know that. All she knows is that a friend won’t turn to face her. It wouldn’t be something she isn’t to, anyway. 

“I’m not an idiot, Michael.” I turn around to face her, to show her I am the furthest thing from okay. “You don’t have to lie to me.You can tell me what’s on your mind.” Just like always, so bold. So fucking bold, she thinks she can waltz up here, and make things better. I’ve got news for her. She can’t.

“NO! I don’t have to tell you anything. You act like you understand, but you don’t, so, leave me the fuck alone.” I snap. I wish I didn’t. I always lose hold of my tongue. 

“ Did Matt understand?” She says calmly, but I feel the anger rolling off her in waves. Anger that would lead her to say such venomous things. Anger that would lead me to feel such horrible things. Alina and her, always had a way to do that, coat their voices with poison. In some ways they are the same, but they will always be opposites. 

I break down. My knees wobble. My breathing gets panicked. My vision begins to blur as the tears finally begin their acidic flow down my face. The thought of him still holds such an impact on me, even a year later. I hate it. I feel a pair of arms wrap around me as if trying to squeeze the sadness out of me. I fall down to my knees. Hally goes down with me. She faces me and whips the tears from my face. 

“Please, Michael I want to help you. I know you want to try and handle everything on your own, but you can't.” Her eyes find my own. Her eyes are dark, it is only word to describe them. “I might be able to understand more than you think.” 

“Do you know how I feel,  or are you just saying what sounds good?” The words come before I think them through. Not that I care, or that it would ever stop her.

“Maybe I do know, or maybe I made a horrible guess.” She says it with such accusation in her voice. I almost feel guilty. Almost. 

“Then, what is it? If you are so sure of yourself.” I try to reason with myself. She couldn't possibly know. Could she? I'm not that obvious, am I? I’ve always tried so hard to hide it. I don’t want her to know.

“You're gay, and you were raised in a good ol’ christian home that hated homosexuals, so you hate yourself. When Matt died, it all became too much.” She says cautiously as if she was trying not to insult me,“Also, your parents are way to hard on you, and you have so much stress about school, it's a miracle you haven't had a heart attack.” Well, she isn’t lying, It is a wonder I haven’t had a heart attack yet. 

“That doesn’t mean you could ever understand what I am feeling. You may know what the problem is, but that doesn’t mean you can help.” I wish she could. I wish anyone could understand. I never found anyone who could understand. Matt never understood, but he accepted me, made me feel like I mattered, and that was enough for a while. 

“Maybe I understand more than you think.” The words cut through my thoughts. She looks more timid than she did before like it took all her power to say the next few words.  “Maybe we could could talk with each other. Michael, you are not the only who feels like they’re hiding behind a mask. Lets help eachother. Okay?”

“Okay, I guess. So, what is your big secret? What is your excuse for falling apart? You seem to know mine so well.” The words are still laced with an anger that still hadn’t left.

“ How about we sit down over there.” She says nervously, pointing to a spot against the the wall of the school. So, unlike herself, the bold girl that never backed down.

We walk over there, a silence between us taking over. Neither of us know what to say or do. We are sitting down on concrete with brick against our back. The silence is making me want to scream, just to quench it. Silence, I hate it. I can’t stand it. The thoughts love the silence. 

“I guess, I should start. Right?” The wall between has already stacked back up. Again, her shy nature is only making me more curious. What could be so racking that Hally backs down like a mouse. I only nod in response, but I wish I would say more if only to comfort her.    


	2. Chapter 2- Hally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, we learn Hal's deep secret, and Micheal's loving reaction.

My heart is beating faster than ever. I can do it. I can. Can I? I’ve never told anyone this before. I can trust Michael. Can I? What of he hates me? What if? No. Don't try to talk yourself out of it. Breath. It's too late to back out now. It will be okay. 

It will be okay. Don’t panic. You can do it. 

I shouldn’t have to talk myself into this. It makes me feel I’m already gone. I’m always nervous, but he makes more nervous than anyone could ever understand. I’m not sure why, but I have a few theories. Don’t get sidetracked. 

I see those dark almond eyes look over at me in curiosity, so curious. Why? Am I doing something wrong? I probably look stupid; I said I was going to start and yet here I am looking like a weirdo and saying nothing.

“Hally, are you okay?” Concern weighs his voice. Is he worried? He can’t be. 

“Uh-yeah.” No, I’m not, “I need to start don’t I”

I take a deep breath. I’m not going to back down. I’m not going to back down. 

“I've never felt truly myself in my skin. It's always been off, like I was somewhere I knew, but something was different. I really should stop rambling on; shouldn't I?” Michael looks up at me. He nods his head telling me to go on.

“Michael, I hate my body. I hate every part of it. I just can't stand it, but not because of my weight or anything like that. I hate it because it shouldn't be mine.” He looks at me in confusion. Oh god, I’m not making any sense. Of course, I’m not making sense. How could I ever make sense. I’m a wreck.

“ What I'm trying to say is that I am trans. I feel like a boy, if that makes any sense.” Shit. He’s going to judge me. Oh god, he’s going to hate me. That’s it, life over. Time to die. Someone come beat me over the head and stuff me in a coffin. Just throw in the riv-

“Okay.” What? Are you kidding me!

“That's it! I, almost, had a panic attack twice during all that,and that’s it!.” I almost lose it. I was worried out of my mind.

“Yeah.” Dear god, I hate his one word responses at this point.

I just burst out laughing. I can't stop. I really shouldn't have expected that much from him. Should I? I’ve just always imagined telling someone and being crucified. I’ve should’ve known that Michael, most likely, wouldn’t care.

“Hey Hal, you want to come back to earth now.” I see a smile on those lips. It’s good to see that rare sight.

“Uh, yeah. I guess” Why am I so nervous? There’s nothing to be afraid of, but something about that look in Michaels eye makes feel cowardly. 

“Are you usually this nervous and I just never noticed?” Crap, he caught me. How do I get out of this one? I can’t tell him the truth because he will pick up on what’s most likely going on here. If he hasn’t already.

“Ehh, sometimes I guess.” That was stupid. I’m an idiot. Michael would have to only have, like two brain cells to fall for that. 

“Oh, okay.” Oh my god, he literally has two brain cells. Why is that kinda adorable? 

“Is there anything you want to know, I guess? Why am I doing that? He could be playing me. He’s going to ask. Oh I know it.

“Are you gay?” Wait, what? I mean it’s in the same vein, but why. Are you telling me the first thing he cares to ask about is if I’m gay? Like wow.

“Why do you care?”

“You’ve never had a girlfriend.”

“You have a girlfriend, and yet you’re gay.”

“You have had multiple boyfriends. I’ve only ever had one so in some weird way you’re a step ahead of me.” 

Wait, what boyfriend. Michael couldn’t have had a boyfriend; I would have known about it. Wait a minute-Noah! Of course. How did I not put that together sooner? They were always hanging out with each other, and Michael was quite upset when he moved. I’m an idiot.

Michael looks at me. Why is he looking at me? Did I do something wrong? Did I do something wrong? Oh wait. We were having a conversation.

“Uh-sorry. I got lost there for a moment.”

“It’s fine. You do that a lot, you know?”

“Space out.”

“Yeah.”

“For the whole ‘Am I gay’ thing, I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about it. It wasn’t really the most pressing thing on my mind, you know?”

“Yeah, I get it.”, He looks quite a bit more somber than he did before, “Hally, how do handle it?”

“I don’t know. Some days are good, and some are just bad. I just try to work through it.”

“I know, but I feel like everyone is always judging me and that everyone already knows and I don’t know.”

“Yeah, it’s tough, but there will always be a better day when we’re free from the hell of high school, and we can be so far away that no one even thinks about us.”

“We?”

“I’ll take you with me if you want. Then, we can family disappointments together.”

He laughs at that. He actually laughs. I don’t think I’ve seen him laugh in a year. I’d forgotten how much I missed that laugh. I’d forgotten how much I loved that smile of his, and how cute his little dimples are. What is wrong with me? Oh god, what is wrong with me. I can’t feel that way. I can’t. It would be wrong. I knew it. I, god damn, knew it. 

“That would be nice.”

I mean, oh god, I’m a wreck.How could I ever think that was okay? Of course just go and ruin everything.

“Hally.”

He would hate me. He would be disgusted at me. How could I ever feel this way? Why didn’t I catch it?

“ Hally.” 

Why did I not see this coming? He’s so sweet and nice. He’s just plain adorable. Gah. Hally stop that. I can’t be thinki-

“Hally!” 

“What? What is it?”

“You zoned out again.”

“Sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize.”

“Sor-okay”

“See that sounds so much better.”

Suddenly, his arms are around me. He’s hugging me. Why is he hugging me? I hugged him, but he hugging me. I can see every detail of his face this close to him. The way his eyelashes curl over his brown skin. The freckles that dot his nose, barely noticeable. The way his lips curve in a way that makes me want to know how they feel against mine. I’ve done gone too far. Too far to ever come back.

“Thank you.” Wait, for what.

“For what?”

“For making me feel happier than I have in a whole year.”

“You deserve it,” His eyes look at mine in slight confusion. “To be happy, I mean.” He does. Honestly, he deserves the world.

“Not really”

“Everyone deserves to be happy, Micheal.”

“I’m not very special then, am I?” I see him jokingly pout at me. 

“You’re special to someone.”

“To who?”

“To me.” I did not just say that. Oh my god, I’m an idiot. I might as well scream ‘I’m in love with you’ and be more subtle. 

“You’re special to me too.” Oh, I forgot. He’s thicker than ten brick walls all put together, covered with concrete. 

His arms are still around me. I like the feeling. I never want to leave, but everything must come to an end. Michael's arms finally unwrap themselves from me. I hate, how much it despaired me. 

“Should we be getting back?” I sense the hesitation in his voice. Him, not wanting this moment to ever end. I don’t want it to either. 


	3. Chapter 3- Alina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, we meet a boatload of new characters and Alina is a shit.

Where did they go? Maybe, I should go looking for them. No, don’t give anyone more evidence than they need. They would go crazy with those rumors. They already believe enough. I doubt that they're doing anything anyway. Michael and Hally are not those kind of people, at this point.  

Either way, Michael can barely stand to pretend with me, though I will admit the feeling is mutual. I have never loved him. To be honest I never loved a male like that. I have attraction to guys, of course. It's only sexual. 

Where are they? I assume they're outside, but I can't go look. In case, I get called a jealous girlfriend. That's just more trouble than it's worth.

Either way, I have more serious things to concern myself with. It’s back. It feels like it’s eating away at me. It’s like a parasite taking over my brain. I know what it wants, but I can’t quench it just quite yet. 

I see a slight, familiar, flicker over Tristan’s shoulder. Must he follow Tristan everywhere? That stupid little ghost, always forcing me off my balance. He acts like his guardian, and my rival. Oh, how I hate him. I wish I could kill him again; it would stop this relentless yearning.

However, he doesn’t seem to be very interested in me at the moment. His glare trying to cut through the girl sitting next to his boy. The girl, Jennifer, whom’s grip is holding onto Tristan’s arm so tight that it’s a shock it’s not yet snapped like a twig. 

I sense a chill brush over my shoulder. A familiar, welcoming chill. My little angel, here to guard me. Which, is useless; I’m much too capable to ever need to guard, but I do enjoy her company. 

Despite being my own guard, Tristan and Eli, his ghostly protector, show her no mind. Eli’s only squalls with me deals with his life before death. My little angel is only ever a stranger to them.

I feel her phantom hands begin to stroke my cheeks. However, it does little to help my mood. Ghostly kisses does little to sooth the pain of living anguish. 

“Alina, you alright?”, The concern is obvious on Tristan's face. I should ask him the same.

That ghost of his starts to glare, trying to ward me off, only doing the opposite. I might not be able to go through with my dark thoughts quite yet, but I can find a source of release. If only for Eli’s sake.

“I'm good. Just got lost in my thoughts.” I try to smooth my voice into steady calm. It half works. Give him a lure, one that Tristan won’t be able to resist no matter how much Eli tries. 

I sense my angel beginning to retreat; not wanting to see what happens next and getting tired of Eli’s dirty looks. Do ghosts get annoyed at each other?

Kelsey looks up the first time in the last half-hour, the sudden arrival of conversation grabbing her attention, as well as a slight breeze from Lily’s exit. Jacob still of his phone, probably looking at memes. 

Kelsey has bright chestnut colored hair that goes a little past her shoulders. Her eyes are a bright hazel, that can only be understood if you look close enough. She has light freckles that are only noticeable if you were right next to her. Her eyes meet mine for a moment.

“What?” Kelsey asks inquisitively since she hadn't been paying attention.

Everyone ignores her. She shrugs and goes back to looking at her drawing. She's quite good. Jacob being so engaged he didn't even notice his girlfriend's actions.

I wish I could have her. I love her. I would care for her more than Jacob ever would. She is perfect, and ,yet, he doesn't appreciate her. She's so much like Lily, and yet the opposite.

Oh Lily. Oh my precious Lily. Why was the world so cruel to us, Lily? That I should still have you, and yet be taken from me forever. For making me feel so much guilt every time I look at anyone else with even a speck of desire in my eyes. Even if you said, I’m allowed to mov-. 

“I'm going to the restroom.” Brings me out of my thoughts. I jump at the unexpected sound, my mind too deep in thought, to realize her ques.

It's Jennifer, Tristan’s torturer and girlfriend, and I've known her since we were little. She has dark brown curly hair that goes past her shoulders, that she hates. Her eyes are hazel like Kelsey's, but not nearly as mystifying. All in all, she looks like the bitch she is. However, she’s easily manipulated, so she’s a little fun.

I realized that I was staring.  She, also, noticed my staring and begins seems uneasy. She hustles out the door, like prey trying to escape the predator. As I said, easily manipulated. 

Eli seeming quite contempt with with her absence. I think if he was able, he would have done strangled her by now. What a funny idea. One who was murdered, murdering others. He gives me a look as if he can tell what I am thinking. Oh, you know it’s true. 

          “Are you sure, you're okay? You seem more spacey than usual.” Tristan's inquisitive voice perks up again, free from his pain bringer for a few moments. The concern weighs on his features, his nearly black eyes looking slightly more dark, and are being held up by dark circles, barely visible on his already dark skin. There is something wrong, more wrong than usual. If that's even possible. No wonder, Eli has been more stirred.

I should be nice, poor Tristan has to deal with almost more shit than I do. Almost. However, this will make it very easy to have my fun with him.

“I assure you that I am fine. However, I can’t say the same for yourself.” I reply, perhaps too sharply; I don't want to scare him off.

However, Eli’s reaction is one to die for, constantly trying to get Tristan's attention. Trying to tell him it’s all a trap, but Tristan has never listened to him. Most likely never will.

The accusation catches him off guard, and he looks as if I have just stabbed him in the gut. Just like Jennifer. His breath catches. Jacob, finally, looks up due to the sudden tension in the air. His ponytail must have fallen out due to the black hair framing his face. 

“I am doing good actually, just had a sleepless night. However,” His eyes lock with mine; every word striking like swords covered in venom,”that is none of your business” Oh the little puppy does have a bite. You could never realized from how much he lets Jennifer beat him. 

“If that is none of my business, how come it is justified for you to involve yourself in mine. Also, we both know you take medication that makes you drowsy; I was only asking out of true concern of you not taking your proper medicine.” My weapons strike next. If he wants to fight, I will be a proper opponent. He’s starting to take the bait. Eli’s starting to seemly lose his sanity. 

“Isn’t this kinda unnecessary?” Jacob says in a panic. Obviously, not wanting to be a bystander to this duel. His girlfriend sharing the same reaction. Poor Jacob, but I need a new plaything, and a ghost to knock into left field. 

“Yeah, isn’t it? We’re just here to study” Kelsey jumping to his side. Her voice is frantic, wondering how everything got out of hand. Oh, my sweet little flower, it’s nothing you could have stopped.

It seems Tristan and I both make the same decision to avoid their pleas of our surrender. He want to duel, and I will carry out his wishes, especially when they benefit mine.

Eli begins to attempt to grab at Tristan, not going very far of course. His hands just fall straight through. It’s fun to watch him panic.  

“ Again, that is personal and nothing for your involvement!” Tristan makes his next move almost yelling. Perfect.

“Now that is quite the tone. There is no need to yell. I’m simply trying to be a supporting friend. Haven’t you and Jennifer”, he flinches,”been telling me to work on that.” I keep my tone calm, giving him nothing to for him to exploit. Especially, when he gave me something very useful. Oh, poor Tristan. Poor, poor Tristan. Why do you love someone who hurts you so much?

“There is difference in being supportive and going to far, Alina.” He tries to lower his voice after my last jab. Too late now, I know exactly what I’m doing, and he’s falling right into my trap.

“How is it going with Jennifer, by the way? You two have seemed a bit distant, but I know how Jennifer is.” There goes my final verbal attack. A final jab, a final little shove right into my web.

“You little bitch!” Tristan almost screams. My finale has hit its mark. He lunges across the table toward me. I jump out of my chair, and slide underneath the table as effortlessly as possible. I wasn’t planning to make this physical quite yet, but if that is what he wants.Then, that is what he gets, and I will fuck him up.

Eli is trying to back on him with no use. Stepping in front of him, no use. Tristan just keeps going as if there is nothing there.

He finally reaches me and attempts to slap me. He moves a moment to slow, and then he is pinned under me. For I am a big bad wolf and he a small little pup.

I feel his colds hands begin to yank and pull at me. His grip still as nonexistent as ever. It has no effect. Sadly, Eli can’t protect shit. Sadly, my game needs to be played. 

I show no mercy. My fists go down and up in rapid succession.Leaving their bloody marks on my knuckles and his face. God, this feels great, I throw a another punch at his face, then another and another. I don’t think I can stop. Dear god, I won’t stop.

Even, as I see Eli’s face jump into my vision, trying to distract me. Even, as I begin to punch through him. I can see how he flinches away from fists; a reaction set in from his days with the living. 

Then something more physical wraps around my arms , trying to pull me off.My nails begin to sink themselves into them, not caring. Oh please, don’t make me stop. I’m not done yet. Don’t rip me from this, my only escape. Violence and blood. My dear, dear friends. Don’t take me away.

The door opens with a bang, almost being ripped of the hinges. There stands a trio of all too familiar people. A curly-headed brunette, who’s probably wondering why I’m on top of her boyfriend, and taking her job of beating his face in. A dark-haired girl who’s only expression is a mix between ‘It’s too early for this shit’ and ‘I need a drink’. Lastly, my ‘boyfriend’, whom takes it upon himself to voice everyone’s thoughts.

“What the fuck happened in here?”  Oh, wouldn’t you like to know.


	4. Chapter 4- Jennifer

I leave the room for less than ten minutes, and all hell breaks loose.  Why wouldn’t it? Life wouldn’t give me a moment of peace, oh no. It had to make a fight break out while I went to the bathroom. 

The sight before me, is an interesting one at least. Tristan is being pinned to the ground by Alina of all people. Jacob is, what I’m assuming, trying to pull Alina off, but looks more like he’s getting his arms skinned by Alina. Lastly, the funniest thing in this room, Kelsey’s eyes that have grown to the size saucers. Looking all too much like a deer in headlights.

“What the fuck happened in here?” Michael breaks the silence that had set in.

“Oh wouldn’t you like to know?” Alina immediately replying to her boyfriend, while getting off of mine.

“Tristan, are you okay?” Hally runs over to him. 

That is what I should be doing; supporting him and helping him up.I’m not that kind of person. The person that Tristan needs. I’m the kind of person that no one needs. At least, I’ll admit it. At least, I’m not the kind of dirt bag that will say they’re charming.

Hally gives Tristan her hand and lift him up off the ground and onto to his feet. Some seeing this would think that Hally is extremely strong. That’s not the case. Tristan, just, has the weight of a bag of feathers. 

Tristan walks over to his chair and plops down. 

“Tristan, do you want some ice?” Hally ,again, getting to the punch before the thought even crosses my mind. 

Maybe, I shouldn’t be so bothered. Hally is naturally friendly anyway. Either way, Hally has no interest in Tristan; she’s taken to a another not single boy in here anyway. 

“I’ll get it.” say two voices in unison. Michael and Kelsey. Michael probably wants to be helpful to Hally, and Kelsey, most likely, wants an excuse to get something for Jacob’s arm, like a caring girlfriend does. A girlfriend the complete opposite of me. 

The pair, without waiting for confirmation, quickly dash out the door, from which one of them came from only moments earlier. The door slams slightly, making a loud jarring noise. It causes Tristan to jump. 

I know why. I wish I didn’t. 

The silence in the room becomes almost solid. Our glances to each other and the slight rising and falling of our chests as we breath, being the only confirmation that we are alive and not corpses.

Everyone is staring at Alina. Not surprising. Even, I am starting too. It’s the utter lack of shame or regret that concerns me. Alina is always a bit overconfident in herself, but this is different. That smirk on her face is unsettling. She’s proud of herself. What could she possibly be proud of? All she did was beat someone weaker than her into the ground. There’s no honor in that, no skill. Nothing to proud of. 

At least I’m not that bad. I feel shameful when I do Tristan harm; at least, I feel shame an hour after the fact. Once I come off my high. 

I’m horrible, but at least I’m not as horrible as Alina.

I need to say something. They all might be looking at Alina for now, but they will be staring at me soon. Wondering why I haven’t done anything. Why Hally is being the supportive, comforting one? Why does she look so unconcerned?

The worst part is that they already know the answer. Everyone knows. I don’t know how they figured out, but I guess word travels fast in such a small group, in such a small school. No secrets are kept here for long. The secret late night talks on the phone become daily chatter of the group of people you’ve never spoken to.

The room has sifted again. Jacob, who was staring, has gone back to his, visibly texting. Most likely a socially awkward artist that went on an ice run. 

Hally has stopped staring at Alina to only go and comfort Tristan more. Is she trying to make me look bad?

Tristan’s still cupping his face and is sending death glares to Alina from across the table. Alina is still as calm as ever, that smirk still on her lips.

What even happened? I’ve never seen them get aggressive with each other, and that’s a lot when speaking of Alina. Who hates about everyone.

We are all just sitting in silence, most of us anyway Michael and Kelsey left to get Tristan some ice. Jacob’s looking at his arms. Alina scratched them up bad.

“Hey Jacob, are your arms okay?” The sentence comes out unintentionally awkward. Me and Jacob don’t talk very much or at all really. I know absolutely nothing about him other than he’s Kelsey’s boyfriend and half-Brazilian; a fact I learned from Alina, no less. 

“I’m fine. Thanks for asking.” He replies just as uncertain. 

The door swings open, everyone turns their heads, revealing a pair of overly concerned teenagers carrying ice packs. They immediately run over to Tristan trying to stop the swelling that comes with being hit in face multiple times. However, I notice that Kelsey takes the time to stop by her boyfriend and give him one. Cute.

Alina still looks amused. She won the fight, and there is nothing Alina likes more than victory. I learned that firsthand, but this is different. She is too proud and snarky. 

Finally my curiosity gets the better of me. “Now that we have had time to recover, would anyone like to tell me what happened?” Tristan’s eyes widen to the size of saucers. I’m sorry.

“We were having a verbal discussion, which Tristan,” Her eyes glare toward him and and her voice sounds like a knife. “ turned into a physical altercation.” Her voice was calm, but had a slight edge to it. I hate how she tries to sound smarter with her higher vocabulary. I know it’s not natural; I see her pause before she speaks, and that truly it is meant to be insulting. 

“Is that what happened?”

“Kinda, she forgot the part where our “verbal discussion” became her trying prod me.”

“I didn’t do that intentionally, though I will admit I went for the lowest blows.” Alina chimes in to defend herself in a way, I guess. She looks proud to say she’s a bastard.

Lowest blow? What could she-no he didn’t. Not over that, could he? He would, the look on his face gives it all away. Why does he act like that? It makes everything I have to do harder.

Why does he love me? I’ve done everything wrong, and he stays by my side more loyal than a dog. All I ever do is hurt him, and he comes back to me like an overexcited puppy. Sometimes, I think it hurts me more than it seems to hurt him. 

I got with Tristan because he was easy to like, he’s nice and sensitive, but he’s hard to love. That nicecess becomes a boy that will try to do anything for you, to an alarming degree. That sensitive boy becomes one that is depressed and suicidal. One that you have to spend long nights trying to convince that life is worth living, all the while your soul becomes more heavy. One who no longer cares about that pain comes to him.     

Alina locks eyes with mine, drawing me out of my thoughts. Her lips forming a smirk. Oh, that bitch better keep her mouth shut. I will admit, at the very least, she can handle herself, but I'm not as easily fooled, as Tristan is.

“Michael, control your girlfriend.” Jacob, of all people, says out of nowhere. So he actually has a backbone, unlike some people in here.

“What?” Michael half mumbles, as if he was caught off guard. Hally looks at him.

“Control your girlfriend. I know that look in her eye; she is going to try and start another fight.”

            “Now, that is just plain cruel.” Alina perks up seemingly have taking offense to the new theory. Seriously, that's what take offense to. “Plus, what reason do I have for another fight, unless you want to get in the ring Jacob.” Her voice dips into an almost seductive tease at the end.

“Oh, no you don't. I am not dealing with another ‘altercation’. “ I decide to butt in before anything gets out of hand. Tristan looks at me.

Alina looks slightly disappointed. I didn't know she had any other emotions beside snark and passive aggressive.

“Since”, Hally begins to start.,”I doubt we are going to get anymore studying done. I think we should go home.” 

Everyone seems to nod their head in agreement. Alina's eyes light up. Not my problem.

“Kelsey, I'll drop you off at your house.” Alina says so fast, it's hard to determine words. 

“I mean, it's out of the way. I don't want to cause any trouble.” Kelsey shyly remarks. Her hands going up to to mess with the edge of her beanie.

“It won't be a bother. Jacob, I assume you can walk.” 

“Yeah, it's just like five minutes away.” Jacob responds hesitantly, unnerved by Alina's suddenness.

“Michael, do you need a ride, or is James coming to pick you up?” Alina's actions are kinda peculiar. Even for her.

“No, I think Hally going to drive me home.” Michael acts as if he's trying to shrink with each word.

“I assume that Tristan is going to take you home since your truck is in desperate need of repair, Jennifer.” Her eyes go to mine, studying mine. That icy blue tone that looks so dull in a body that seems so full in life. Waiting to see my reaction. Almost, deathly, like an executioner. 

“Yes, you would be correct.” I say and lie boldly. I won't size myself down for death row's judge. Yet, that seems to be the reaction she expects. She smiles the most genuine smile I have seen in years, and then reaches around to grab her coat of the back of the chair. It's a black trench coat so long, I'm surprised she doesn't trip over the tail. 

Everyone hustles out the door eager to get home. Kelsey and Jacob give each other a quick hug, and Jacob kisses her quickly on the cheek. Hally and Michael walk out whispering to each other, just low enough that no one else could hear. Strange.

Soon, it is just me and Tristan, but not before Kelsey ran back to get her sketchbook. Blubbering apologies as she walks through the door should fast her beanie falls off her head. I hand it back to her.

Now it's just the two of us. I'm sorry Tristan, but I have to.


	5. Chapter 5- Tristan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, a relationship goes rocky and some sad boi

Welp, I'm screwed. I guess that is the only emotion that any sane person would be feeling right now. You know, being cornered by your angry girlfriend, waiting for the burns.

My face feels like it has been punched a hundred times. Which it was, by little Ms. I’m mostly likely a psycho chick. The ice that Kelsey and Michael got me helped a little bit. Mostly it just numbed everything, and made my face so cold it almost hurt, a feeling I’m too familiar with.

A certain figment of imagination roams around the walls. Going in circles. Eli seems more unnerved than usual.

“Why did you do that?” Jennifer says too tired to even be mad anymore, but it won't take long.

“I didn't mean too. I just lost it.” My voice doesn't sound like my own. It sounds like an imposter.

“Why did you react like that?”

 “I care about you, about us. Jennifer I lo-”

 “Why? Why Tristan? Why do you love me?” She sounds sad. Did I say something wrong?

 “Jennifer, that's a stupid question.”

"Answer it.”

“Well, you're always there for me, and you stay.”

“And I beat you. I get mad and I hit you.”

“Everyone has flaws.”

“Tristan, you're making this so hard.”

“What do you mean?”

“Tristan, we are not meant for each other.” No. She can't mean that. No. No.

“Jen I-”

“No, let me continue. I think it's for the best that we break up.” Why must she be so stern?

“Jen, let's talk about this.”

“We are.”

“Jennifer, why?”

“I’m not the one meant for you.”

“That’s not true.”

Jennifer sighs. It’s such an unusual action for her, to make a sound of frustration and not have eyes of fire and smoke coming out her ears. Her anger is the only thing that most people think of when they see her. A girl filled with hot seething anger. I see the cooler side, but even it hurts. It hurts with how it freezes and numbs your soul. Her burning anger may be why everyone stays away, but her freezing anger is much more painful.

“We can’t go on like this forever, Tristan. Every story has an end and this one is it.” Her words make me hurt more than the punches ever could.

“Why do you keep treating our relationship like something you can throw away. Is that all I ever was to you? Something to keep you entertained?” My anger catches the better of me. I yell and yet I don’t regret it. 

My sudden change of tone caught her off guard. I’m always the quiet one. The submissive one. I don’t like it, and right now all my anger from earlier is latching itself to my words. 

“Did you think it could work out? I can live in your memory as some kind of highschool sweetheart, but I’m not letting you live like this.” 

“Jen, what am I doing wrong? I’ll fix it.” The words come out strangled as I’m holding back a sob.

“There’s nothing you can do, Tristan. I’m just not the person you need.”

“You’re the only one I need.”

“No, Tristan, I’m not, and you know that.”

I want to cry. I want drown everything out in tears, but not right now. It would only make the situation even worse, and I don’t need her to feel pity for me. She’s right, even though I don’t want to admit it. 

“Tristan, just go home. We’re over.”

“Do you need me to drive you home still?” The words feel like they had to fight their way out of my throat. 

“No, I’ll just get Jeff to pick me up.” She doesn’t look me in the eye. I know I’ve screwed something up as she never volunteers to ride with her little brother.

I don’t say goodbye. I just walk out the door, leaving Jennifer standing there. I don’t think I can even say a word without all the sadness welled up in my throat coming out.

The cold November air hits me like a truck freezing me to the core and my chest throb with that cold anger. I walk over to my car, unlock the doors, and sit in the seat. A ghostly figure sitting in the passenger seat next to me. There’s no need to stop now. I put the key in the ignition. Put my foot on the gas and hands on the wheels. Actions I’ve done a thousand times over. 

The tears come as soon as I’m out of the school parking lot. Hot burning things carving streams down my face. An embodiment of all that cold, cold anger. She was right. She was right. I hate to admit she was right. I needed someone I can express too, and she needs someone that can help her repress. We were never that. We would never be that. We couldn’t be that, no matter how hard we tried. 

I feel a cool touch brush up against my face. 

“Ugh, not now. Go away.”

He doesn't listen and continues to try brush the tears from my face only hands to though my cheek. Sometimes I wish he was real. I know he’s only an halluction, a symptom of having schizophrenia. However, even when I take meds he never seems to go away. 

I guess, I’ve grown to appreciate him; as much as you could appreciate the ghostly form of your dead friend. He’s the kindest thing my brain ever made up; my mind usually consisting of voices condemning me to hell. 

However, this self-made comfort is doing much. It doesn’t solve anything, and does a half-assed job of distracting me. My mind already drawing back to the more pressing matter on my mind.

Why? What did I do wrong? I tried to do everything I was supposed to do. I never fought back, or even tried to hold an argument with her. I always forgave her, quick. I never got mad at her. I never complained. I tried to be what she wanted me to be. 

Was it the things I said? The words that flew out of my mouth during the late night conversations. Am I just too much? Too many problems for her to handle. I didn’t mean to be. I know she never knew quite what to say, but very few people ever do anyway. 

I loved her. I really loved her. Maybe that was it. I love too quick. Did I want to much? I wanted someone who could support and love me the same way I loved and supported her. Was that too much?

I should let it go. That’s what I say to all my problems. I don’t have a good track record of following that advice. Maybe, I’ll just ignore it. Although, when I do that, they just seem to get more noticeable. Like a ghostly specter sitting next to me or the majority of voices that I hear in my head. However, it will do no harm to try. 

I should be close to home now, or maybe I’m miles away. Maybe I took a wrong turn. Not likely. I’ve driven this route under much worse circumstances. Don’t worry so much.

My face still hurts because at the end of all this, Alina still punched me in the face. Multiple times. My face probably won’t swell. Alina only has enough strength to stun a person. Enough to hurt, but not enough to leave any lasting damage. I don’t think. There was a feral look in her eyes though, that makes me wonder. What could she do?

I feel tired. I just want to go to sleep. Find a pillow that I most definitely will not cry into, or think about anything that has to do with anything a certain girl said to me this afternoon. I’m begin to feel an all too familiar ticking behind my eyes.

Oh god. Don’t fucking cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t fucking cry. There is no need to do this. It solves nothing. It will only make things worse. Don’t cry. The thoughts becoming a chant in my head.

I feel those cold hands on me again, but I don’t care. I don’t care about a damn thing, other than keeping these tears in my body. Nothing else.

“HONK!” blares me back into existence. I had laid my head down on the wheel; I’m a motherfucking idiot. Eli gives me a look. Fuck off. Though, he also seems to be trying to get my attention on to the road. Why?

“SHIT,RED LIGHT!” My foot stomps on the breaks with as much force I could ever hope to muster, and my body jerks forward in the seat as if my body wanted to throw itself through the windshield. I can’t blame it though. I, kinda, want to go through the window too.

Eli is giving me a look as if he wants to strangle me to death. Honestly, come at me.

“Eli, you’re already dead.” Oh shit, I’m responding. I’ve truly gone wacko. Eli seems insulted. He rolls his eyes at me.

The rest of the way home is the same bland drive that the first half usually is. Only this time, I’m paying attention. It seems to do wonders in the matter of making sure I don’t run red lights, or hit another car and die. 

I turn down a familiar road that is filled with suburban houses. Houses that are the home to perfect little white families with lovely sets of parents. Ones who love to share words under their breath about the mixed race couple that lived there, and the pair of half black sons they had. I shouldn’t get on a tangent. 

I finally pull into driveway of a house that looks all too much like the others. I walk up to the door past a yard that looks dead from the cold fall air and unlock with the house key from a lanyard that is around my neck. A gift from Kelsey. The lock unlocks slightly too easily. I need to look at that, but I'm not doing that right now.

I push the door open into a dark room that looks abandoned. Leo must not be back from practice yet. The only good thing to happen this whole day.

I flick the light switch illuminating the room and set out some hot dogs for Leo to microwave for dinner later. I'm not hungry. 

Dad won’t be back for two days and will probably be heading out the door as soon as he came in. He's always does.

I walk down a dark hallway a little past the room I was in a moment go. I rely on muscle memory alone,as I don't feel like turning on the hallway lights. This method is not effective, as I ran into a wall. Eli makes a motion towards the light switch. Ha nope.However this means that my bedroom is to the left of me.

“Not gonna happen. Either way, there's no need to now. My rooms right there.” God, I need to stop talking to it.

I open the door and walk into bedroom. It isn’t much to someone else's eyes, just bed, a dresser, and a computer desk, but that is enough for me to feel comfortable. 

Especially when that bed has pillows. Pillows that will not be muffling tears. Most definitely. Totally not.


	6. Chapter 6- Micheal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which bois talk awkwardly

The walk out of the library was weird. It was light whispers shared between us. Almost silent questions. Hal asked me if I was sure I wanted to drive home with he-him. I was. I wanted to talk. I’ve never felt so relieved to talk to someone in so long. Honestly, Hal has made me happier than I have been since Matt died, before that even. 

I never thought I’d find someone like me to talk to. I’ve always felt like I would be alone in my feelings. Sure, Alina was kinda gay, I think, but she never talked to me or seemed open to. 

“You’re beginning to space out as much as I do.” I hear come from the driver. Hally is the one driving. She, wait no, he is a much better driver than me, but he has been on the road much longer than I have. 

“Yeah, I guess. Just got a lot on my mind.”

Honestly, Alina usually drives me home, so the concept of conversation feels a bit odd. I live somewhat close to Kelsey, just enough so that you don’t start mentally complaining, so it was always the three of us. Somehow making me feel like the third wheel, even when I was the one technically ‘dating’ Alina. Since she never said a word to me.  

We never had feelings for each other. The exact words that came out of her mouth when she asked me out was ‘Let’s just do this to get them off our backs.’ 

I know that Alina is most likely gay, and in love with Kelsey. However, that never concerned me. I know it should have, but it wasn’t my problem whether Alina continued to chase the stereotypical straight chick with a boyfriend. Though, I’ve never seen Kelsey and Jacob ever kiss or do anything affectionate other than hug, but Kelsey hugs everyone. 

“How much you got your mind?”

“God, I did it again.”

“You want to talk?”

“I mean, I guess.”

“Okay, what’s on your mind?” 

“Alina.”

“Oh.”

“Is that bad, or-”

“Oh, no. It’s just that she was also on my mind.”

“Yeah, she did kinda try to bust Tristan’s skull in.”

“That was strange.”

“Was it? She’s always trying to start a fight.”

“Not with Tristan.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“She’s never mean to Tristan.”

“ Alina is always unpredictable.”

“No, she’s not.” The statement comes out more blunt than I believe it was supposed to, but it still hurts. The tone sounds to similar to the tone lashed out at me when my father is home.

“Oh god, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.” I must of had a look on my face.

“It’s fine, really.”

“Oh okay. So,do you think you’re going to break up with her?” Wait, what? Where did that come from? Though, I’m not really sure.

“What? I mean like do you really mean it?” I wish I didn't say that so meekly. I wish I could be as bold as Hally is. Sh-he never backs down; nothing could ever stop him, even if there are some panic attacks along the way. 

“Michael, don't act dumb. We both know it was going to happen.” The statement was brazen. Stung, because it was the truth.

“Look, I don’t know. I’m not going to lie to you. I have no feelings for Alina, but to break up with her.” I, truthfully do not know. Part of me wants to let go of that foolish lie, but the other half is scared of what Alina might do to me.

“Michael, you can't just continue with the way things are. You don't deserve that, and neither does Alina.” He sounds so convincing, almost like a siren telling me to blow my problems to the wind. But sirens also kill people. So, no thanks.

“ I know that it’s stupid to hold onto, but, god damnit, Hally I’m scared.” God damnit. I wasn't supposed to say that. He doesn’t need to know that.

“Micheal, I don’t think that’s the most rational thing to be scared of.” There’s no humor. He shows no pity for me either, the reaction I was expecting. He probably already knew. I don’t doubt the possibility. He seems to know me more than I know myself. 

“Maybe, it’s not, but to me it is the most rational fear to ever exist.” I wish I didn’t sound so weak. 

“Are you scared of her?” 

“Yes, how can you not?”

“I think, I’ve known her too long to be scared of her. I look at her and still she the little girl she was.” His eyes darken, remembering something I don’t. Something, most likely, I will never get to see. 

“Are you alright?” The concerned tone doesn’t come out easily for me. It never has. I’m not good at comforting people. Hal is. 

“She isn’t that little girl anymore.” I never met that little girl.

“What was that little girl like?” I want to know.

“She was quiet.”

“She still is.”

“Let me finish. She was smart. She is still is smart, but the thing that is different is how sweet she was.”

“It sounds like you're describing the personification of childhood innocence.”

“Because, that was what she was.”

“She’s not that now.”

“Yeah.”

Then we settle into some strange sort of quiet. Hal is looking at the road, but he’s not. His eyes are glazed over. His mind is elsewhere. That is not good. Especially on roads like this one. Especially this one.

“Hally! Deer!” Hally snaps of it and his foot stomps on the floorboard hitting the brakes. They screech and the car jerk forward so much I feel like I’m about to fly through the front window. The deer, not noticing it’s quick brush with death, walks across the road. Fuck deer. Then, we sit in the silence trying to catch our breaths.

“Dear god, I’m an idiot.” Hally says. Then, he just starts laughing. What the fuck? Did he hit his head? I don’t remember him hitting his head.

“What the fuck is wrong with you. We almost died, and here you are losing you’re shit about it.” He looks at me for a moment and then he starts to laugh even harder.

“First, I doubt we would die, maybe ruin the front end of my car, but not die. Secondly, Do you always curse this much when you’re flustered?” Then, he murmurs something under his breath that I don’t catch. 

“What did you say? I didn’t catch the last part.” His face turns bright red. What the fuck is that about?

“It’s nothing, Micheal. Just talking to myself.” He obviously fibs. Pretty bad, if I can catch it. He seems flustered. I’ve never seen Hally flustered. On the verge of a panic attack yeah, but never flustered. I’ll leave it be.

“I think we should get going. Someone is going to come by eventually.”

“Uhh- yeah”  His response is unlike him. I feel the need to check if it’s the real him and not some half- assed, half-put together clone. 

We drive in silence for what feels like an eternity, but looking at the clock in the car tells that a more accurate time would three minutes. Time is weird. 

“So, you wanna talk about anything?” Hally says, also growing tired of the unnerving silence that bends time to its’ will. It’s an odd question for him; he’s always just started the conversations with little concern of the anyone elses wants. I have no idea of what I want to talk about. Wait, there is one thing.

“Hally, why are so nice to Alina? I know you knew her when she was a kid, but like she acts like a bitch to everyone.”

“That’s just it. I’ve known Alina since she was four. She has just become, sort of, a little sister to me. I don’t I just feel responsible for her in a way.More than I ever felt for my own sister.” I’ve only met Hal’s little sister, Anna, a few times, but those few times gave me all the information I needed. She’s a cheerleader and is the same age as Alina’s little sister, Elizabeth; a much sweeter girl than Alina could ever be. 

“Do you think that Matt felt responsible for me?” Shit. That wasn’t supposed to come out of my mouth. Maybe I hit my head.

“Yeah, I can not think of a situation that he wouldn’t. I knew Matt. He loved you.”

“I-um. That means a lot, I guess.”

“Did I say something wrong?”

“No. It just. It’s nothing. You said what you could, and that’s nice. But it’s not what I need.”  

“So, what do you need?” There is something sweet about the concern he has for me. It’s been awhile.

“Nothing you can give me, honestly. Trust me. This is the sorta thing that no one can give me.”

“Do you wanna talk about something else, Micheal?”

“Yeah, that would be nice.”

“So, if I may?” There is a smile on his face on that tells me there is going to be trouble.

“You may.” There is slight giggle to my voice, which feels odd. Hal always seems to make me happy.

“So, you mentioned earlier that you have indeed dated a boy. Who was it?” I whip that smirk of his face, but that look in his eye.

“I mean, we weren't official or anything, but I guess we were together in some sense. And I’m not telling you.”

“Was it Noah?” Honestly, the blush that creeps on my cheeks would be answer enough.

“Why do you care?” 

“I’m just curious. You always seemed so shy.”

“You’re annoying? Did I ever tell you that?” His features morph into a overdramatic shock.

“No, but you most certainly implied it.” I let out a chuckle at that. Strangely, my cheeks still feel warm.

“Did you ever kiss him?” The question knocks me out of my own head. The question itself isn’t odd; it sounds like something he would ask when he’s in a playful mood. However, the way he asks it. That light joking tone is gone. Replaced by a more serious one, like that look in his eye.

“Are you okay?” 

“Just answer the question.” What is his problem?

“Yeah, I kissed him.”

“Oh.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, just needed to know how inexperienced you were. You look as if you’ve never been kissed a day in your life.” the playful mood is back. That look is still in his eyes. 

“Fuck you, Hal. Fuck you.”

“I like that.” What could he possibly like about me cursing him out?

“What?”

“Hal. It's nice.” Oh, I guess that works There was a lightness to his face that I never noticed before. It makes him look kinda cute. Wait, what?

“Okay.” The word comes out more meekly than I intended. A last minute response.

Hal gives me a smile, and then looks back at the road.   

Oh, god. It was back. The silence. The air wasn’t choking like before, but my mind is running amuck. Thoughts pouring in and out before I can even comprehend. 

Hal, however, seemed perfectly fine with it. Usually, he hate silence, always having earbuds with him. He has been kinda odd though. 

Hal makes a turn and the scenery becomes familiar. Random houses turned every direction down a road too curvy for its own good. And dogs, so many dogs. Home sweet home.

The houses range from nice two story homes to trailers with the washer and dryer on the front porch, or like someone's house, cough cough, Hals has a shed, almost taller than the house, in front of the house. 

Soon we come to a small house that has a quite neat front yard. My house.

“I believe this is your house.”

“Yep, thanks for the ride.”

“Anytime, see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, bye Hal.”

“Bye Michael.”


	7. Chapter 7-Hal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get Hal angst because why not.

It doesn't take long to reach home form Micheal's. We don’t live very far from each other; it’s only a ten minute walk. A quick look at the driveway tells me that Mom and Anna aren’t home yet. Mom at work; Anna at cheer-leading practice.Based on the general noise coming from the backyard, Dad is in back, working on something in the shed. He's always in the back working on something in shed, or getting drunk in the shed.

There is at least six cats on the front porch, and I know there is at least two inside the house. As I open the door to let myself in, four cats manage to get in behind me. Most likely they want food, but my mom isn’t here, and I don’t want to feed them. 

The inside of the trailer turned into house, is as pretty as it is on the outside. Which is to say it is ugly as hell. From the old carpet to the tacky wallpaper, it looks ugly from the foundation. It doesn’t help the my mom has a collection of penguin memorabilia in the corner.  It’s tacky and covered with pet hair. Living with a sister that has three dogs, and a mother that has a cat problem, a large cat problem, tends to cause that. 

There is also a large amount of pictures throughout the house. Despite, there being so many my father isn’t in one. Most of them are just pictures of me and Anna. Me at ballet recitals and color guard group pictures, and Anna at whatever sport has managed to catch her interest: ballet, softball, dance, gymnastics, and most recently cheer-leading. 

I used to like volleyball. I would play every afternoon for like two years, so I would pass tryouts. I never passed tryouts. 

Despite all of these pictures one sticks out to me more than any of the others. The picture has four figures. Four little girls. One that has dark black hair; all the others have light brownish-blondish hair. Despite those three girls looking similar, one sticks out. Alina has never blended in.

Even as a child, her eyes had a look. They were always too pale. I always thought it was genetic; her mother was the same way. 

My arm is wrapped around her in the picture. Anna has her arm wrapped around the other girl, Elizabeth, Alina’s little sister. Everyone is smiling. 

Anna and I look nothing alike. She’s thin. I’m not. She has this beautiful almost blond hair that she got from Mom. I have black hair that I got from my grandmother. Her eyes are blue. My eyes are brown. She is athletic. I tried to be. We don’t look like siblings from first glance. We have the same nose and ears. Our lips are always chapped.

Alina and Elizabeth are the opposite. The look like sisters from the first glance, but if you look closer, not so much. Elizabeth has a rounder nose and smaller lips. Elizabeth has freckles. Alina has moles. 

Both of them have blue eyes, but even those look too different. Elizabeth's eyes are a vibrant blue. Blue as a little kid's toy truck that they painted themselves with the most Cobalt blue paint they could find at the craft store. They look like what you would imagine the eyes of fairy princess to be.

Alina's eyes are pale. The color you see in the sky when it is cloudy, and there is only a slight tint of it's blue hue. It makes her look ghastly, likes she is petrified at every moment.

I'm surprised I haven't took this picture to my room. That's where I take photos that make me feel sentimental. I might take it, not today. I might take it tomorrow. 

I turn towards the small hallway, that I’m all too familiar with. I walk past the door to the laundry room, the old home of Anna’s pet bunny when we had it, the bathroom door, tropical fish themed, and the door leading to Anna’s room, the messiest place in this extremely messy house. At the end of the hall, is a door with a baby gate in front of it. The baby gate is there to the dogs out, only Buddy really, the other two dogs are tall enough to get over.

I open my door, and maneuver myself over the baby gate.  Not difficult when you get used to it. My room is not as neat as I would like, but I do try. I promise. I do try.  

There are only a few shirts thrown about the room, unlike Anna’s. I, honestly believe that she thinks the floor is her closet. Mostly, the mess consists of papers strung all across the room. As well as a healthy layer of cat hair on top of everything.

I see my reflection out of the corner of my eye. A cat must of pulled the sheet down. Damn cat.

I keep the mirror covered. I can’t stand to see my reflection. It tells me of all the things I am but not. At least to the world I’m not. 

I would have done gotten rid of it if I could, like the other mirror, an old cheap thing I kept on the inside of my closet. I gave it to Kelsey. The mirror I can’t get rid of is attached to a vanity. A vanity my mom is very intent on me keeping, so I have to make my own methods to cope. For instance putting a sheet over it and putting things in front of it to distract me. 

I heave a sigh, and make my way over to pull the sheet back up. I try not to look at the face there. I don’t have time for that today. I manage to get the sheet over the mirror. I probably need to secure it better. 

My eye catches something. One of the ‘distractions’ I put in front of the mirror. It’s a picture. Today, seems to be full of pictures doesn’t it. However, this one makes my heart throb more than the one I seen in the living room.

The picture is from three years ago. There are three people in it. I’m in the middle. The other two have their arms wrapped around me. On my right side is the smiling face that my heart has grown too fond off, Micheal. On my left side is the one who has broke my heart more than anyone should be capable of. It’s Matt. I’m in my color guard uniform. Michael and Matt are in the marching band uniform. Michael was in the drum line. Matt played the trumpet. 

I knew Matt better than most, but even that wasn’t knowing very much. I didn’t know anything important. I knew that he stressed out over things a bit more than he probably should have been, but that’s normal for a high school student. Me and him were in the same class. We were friends. I should’ve known. 

Maybe, that’s why I care for Michael so much. I couldn’t stop Matt. but I ,maybe, I could save Michael if it ever came to that. 

I met Michael a year after I joined band.(He’s a year younger than me.) He sat right next to me in percussion. I knew that Matt had a brother, had seen him in his yard or across from me in church, but I never had really met him before. I didn’t know what to think of the small quiet geek that sat next to me. He watched me. Apparently, I would braid and re-braid my hair so much, that Michael learned how to just from watching me.

Then, we started marching band. Three to four hour bus rides, every other weekend is a good way to start talking to people. Me, Matt, and Michael, were suddenly this inseparable trio. Then, we were separated. I guess, it made me and Michael closer.

I don’t know when the feelings for Michael developed. At one point I felt normal around him; then, all of a sudden, my heart keeps pounding in my chest, and I can’t think straight. Truth be told, I’ve never thought straight, but my point is clear. Michael would have made a joke like that.

He seemed so happy today. It makes me feel a bit calmer in a way, like something was lifted off my shoulders. That could have been the whole coming out thing, though. 

I still can’t believe I did that. I never told anyone that. Never planned too, honestly. I just assumed that I would just graduate, move out, and never come back. The thought of rejection made the whole coming out thing feel impossible.

I guess, that’s what happens when your shoved into church from the time you’re a week old. Stuffed between your mother and your grandmother, all while listening to everything that is, supposedly, wrong with you. It’s enough to drive anyone mad, I’m sure. 

I understand why my dad opts out every time. When, I was younger I was so mad at him. Why couldn’t I be like every other child in the church, sitting between their mom and dad looking so happy? Why was I cursed to live this miserable life with parents who are never home and always arguing when they are? This life with a father i never let near me, and a mother I don’t talk to.

Now, I understand him. Honestly, I can’t blame him; I feel the same way. Why would anyone want to spend their one day of, supposed, rest listening to some old man tell you everything that is, supposedly, wrong with you, and that the best way to fix is to deny every enjoyment you can have in life and worship a man in the sky.   

It doesn’t change much though. I am still me. Michael is still him. Alina is still her. It doesn’t change a thing in the world. Accepting it or denying it, what does it even matter? Alina still beat Tristan into the ground. I should probably talk to him sometime; he seemed little more off than usual today.

The sound of the front door slamming catches my attention. Dad must have gotten back from the shed. Was he drinking or working? Another crash answers my question. 

Despite part of me wanting to go see him, I choose not to. He will be fine, and I don’t feel like having to smell his alcohol tinged breath while listening to the horrid things that come out of his mouth in that slurred voice. Things that no man should say to his own child.  

It’s not even the words he says that bother me; I’ve heard them a million times before. It’s how he says them. The leer and the way his voice slurs makes it feel as if his voice gained hands, and they are stroking up sides, pressing against me. I never let him actually ever touch me though. I lock my doors and my windows, and never talk to him when there is no one else around. 

I wish I wasn’t afraid when I’m inside my own home. Why must there be a monster in my own home? It’s one I’ve learned to avoid and outsmart, but I am still afraid despite my efforts. 

“Hally!” His voice yells a name that means nothing to me, and yet it feels like a prison. 

“What!?” I yell back in return. I know he only wants my attention, not my presence. 

“Where’s yer mother!?” Of course, he wants dinner.

“She’s at work!” 

“Is your sister here?!”

“No!”

“Then, where is she!?”

“At practice!”

“For what? She knows better than waste time!”

“Cheer-leading!”

I hear him grumble something I can’t understand under his breath. Then, The loud clang of the refrigerator door being slammed shut. More beer, I guess.

I heave a sigh. Why this? I wish Michael was here.

  
  



End file.
